Last week I made a mistake, a big one. It's been a while, kind of, not really... two months. It's not long though, is it? Two months out of a lifetime. After almost two years of one huge mistake, two months is nothing, feels like nothing. Felt like nothing last week.
Had to spend the evening doing something I hate, because I'm shy, horrendously so. It's what prompted my fall in the first place.
"You okay?"
"Nervous... hate these things. Too many people, y'know?"
"Don't worry, you'll be fine."
"No, no I think I'm gonna throw up, actually. Had a JD. Can still feel it though, the nerves."
"I got something that'll help, if you want it."
I see it then, what I've been running from. Handed to me. Squished into my palm.
"Go on, you'll feel better, you know you will. Remember?"
I remember, I do, but I don't hand it back. Someone taps my shoulder, tries to take my hand and lead me to talk with people I don't know. I excuse myself and run to the bathroom. I sit staring at it, knowing I should just chuck it, flush it. But it's there and so am I and I feel like I need it. I want it.
Two months had beeen hard. So hard, and I'd hoped it would go away, the hunger, the sweaty anticipation of 'what if?' Someone calls me through the door and I know. I know I've been in there so long it'll look strange to anyone who noticed. So I just do it, just make that decision, take it, hope it's good.
It is good. It does help. It makes things better, flow better, seem easier, and I spend the night chatting freely, doing my thing and not giving a shit that normally I'd be a lot more inhibited. Maybe it was too soon.
But isn't addiction for life?
Isn't that what they say?
That it's a struggle everyday?
That it'll creep up on you when you least expect it?
So how long do you wait before you introduce yourself back into the world?
I just want to be strong. I don't even want to do anything anymore. I don't care. If I'm safe, my family happy, healthy, what does it matter if I make myself a hermit in order to stay away from what I know I should? I just wish that was the point. But I know that if I hide away from it the next time will be so much worse. I'll fall harder. I woke the nest day feeling shitty. Tired and kinda flu-like. Drained and with a longing I haven't felt since not long after the first time. After I'd gotten into it deep. Took some sleeping pills and dreamt the day away. Then the next. It's a good thing I was out of town or people would've known. Would've wanted to send me back to that place with its pseudo-religon and dumb rules. The only reason I got clean was because I couldn't get anything there.
I miss it though, like an old friend. And it came knocking today. I told it where to go, there are people here, I'm not alone and I wouldn't get away with it. Half of me wants to see if I could.
So I'm starting over. I've got six days on it. Maybe next week I'll be able to celebrate 14. Two weeks. Two weeks seems so far away right now.
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4 comments:
But isn't addiction for life?
No. You shouldn't let your addiction own you. You should own your addiction. Easier said than done, I know, and feel free to tell me to go fuck myself, but it's true. With ANY bad thing, or anything that makes you feel like less of a person, you are giving it ownership over you. Own that shit, and you will be the better for it.
Isn't that what they say?
They who? The people who have never been addicted to anything? People who have never seen the need, and the obsession? Talk to people who are recovering, and find out what "they" say. I bet you the advice will be more valuable.
That it's a struggle everyday?
Only if you feel that you have to struggle. You're better than that shit, and you know it.
That it'll creep up on you when you least expect it?
Expect it. Everyday. In your sock drawer, walking down the street. You just need to remind yourself with a little mantra like.. um..
I do not like Green Eggs and Ham! I do not like them, Sam I Am!!
It will work. You'll get there. Two months is good, but four is better.
Hey there--you probably know who everyone is by now, if you've been over there forever like the rest of us. I'm at somewhat of a loss because I don't know anything about YOU. Well, except for your unashamedly public admission up there. That's a brave thing to do, and very difficult. Revealing something that personal to, well, everyone. You should add that to your accomplishments, and be proud of it.
To paraphrase Amy: two weeks is good. Four weeks is better. Four months can fly by when you're not counting the hours. Four years...is just around the corner.
Hope your resolve holds strong.
I'm around if you'd like to talk, or yell, or scream, or cry. Or laugh. :)
Hi wish,
it will be hard, the feeling lurks but like Amy said, you deicide if it controls you or you control it.
Believe in yourself, one slip doesn't mean the whole journey isn't worthwhile, or that you won't manage in the end, it just means you ahve discovered something you may need to work a bit more on.
Look for people that support your decision, not enable your weakness, but even if you do slip you know that the relief is only transient if you falter, and you can find long lasting strength in recovery.
It is a difficult path, but one that ultimately is incredibly worthwhile
Ergo (yay, fixed my comment problem!),
Your words are very true, and I will take them to heart. The lure of transient relief is overwhelming at times, but I'm trying not to slip up again. I think I just tried to get out and show people I could 'integrate' without using again, and was proved wrong. I didn't 'seek' it, however, perhaps it would've been okay if a certain person hadn't shown up. But then I guess that goes for willpower too; if mine had been intact it would have been okay, too.
Thanks again, ergo.
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